


When Oblivion is Calling Out Your Name

by tomfoolery14



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3+1 fic, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, loss of magic, post 3x10 but pre 3b
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17915372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: magnus has encountered death many times in his very long life, and a few of those times have been direct contact. after losing his magic, he finds himself remembering those times and contemplating the place death seems to have in his life.orthree times magnus rejects death and one time he calls upon it





	When Oblivion is Calling Out Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> please heed the warnings in the tags and proceed with caution if this is a triggering topic for you! be safe my darlings! x

The first time Magnus saw Death, he was a child.

He had run away from his home in Batavia, left behind the village that was all he had ever known of a place of belonging. He couldn’t have stayed, he told himself when he began to lose his nerve. His mother was dead and his step father murdered by his hand—both images would haunt him forever, though they bore very different purposes in the reminders they gave.

Cold and afraid, he had run for an indeterminate amount of time, until his lungs began to burn and his legs were certain to give out beneath him at any moment. Wandering into a dark wooded thicket, he had fallen to his knees at the trunk of a large tree concealed by a cluster of bushes. He had to believe he could be safe here, if only for a few hours, because he was desperate for sleep, for respite. A part of him was unafraid of the possibility that he might not wake up and had made peace with it as a result of resignation. Curled in on himself, arms hugging his knees to his chest, he was asleep in moments.

The dream he lapsed into was out of the ordinary from the get go, and somehow he was aware of that. He was in a white room? that seemed to stretch on infinitely in all directions, alone save for a large, formless shadow. It was so dark, however, that it resembled a sentient void that moved and…breathed? There was something about it that struck Magnus as somewhat human; not in the way it presented itself physically but rather the feeling its presence gave him.

_Sweet boy_ , the void spoke without verbalizing, _how greatly you have suffered. Your pain reaches great depths inside of you. A child shouldn’t bear such a burden._

“ _Sing sampeyan_? Who are you?” Magnus questioned, reaching towards the shape only to find he was no closer to it than he’d been before.

_You don’t need to fear me; I am the one to whom all people and things seek out when they have run out of time. I am the one who comes for you all when you cry out for the end—the one who offers you open arms and safety._

“Why are here for me?”

_You are special, Magnus Bane._

Magnus Bane—a name he had never heard before, that held no meaning for him. “My name is—”

_I know what you call yourself,_ the shadow interrupted, _but it is not who you are. I can see inside of you and I know what truly lies beneath. And that is why I have come for you; I am here to relieve you of the suffering that is already devouring you. There is nothing for you to fear where I will take you. It is a place of peace, the kind that your soul is crying out for. I want to take you there._

“Is that where Mama is?” Magnus had asked, trying and failing once again to move closer to the void.

_I can’t tell you what is beyond this world—not yet. It isn’t for those who haven’t crossed over to know of. You must make the choice for yourself. I will always ask your permission before I collect you, even if you have called me._

“But I didn’t call you. I don’t know you.” It was unsettling to Magnus that he felt no fear in the presence of such an entity. And yet, when it spoke of its comfort and peace, he believed.

_That I cannot say either. In time, perhaps you will find the answers you seek now. But there is one I must acquire from you now: do you wish to come with me now, to leave this place and this body that tethers you to your pain?_

“I don’t know,” Magnus replied truthfully.

_Then it is not time for me to collect you. But I will be listening and watching, always, and when it is your time to leave with me I will be here. Be strong, Magnus Bane, for you are something you cannot yet understand and that many never will._

Just as suddenly as he had fallen asleep, he awoke, as if no time had passed. The sky was still blue velvet, dotted with jeweled stars, and his clothes were still damp with sweat and moisture from the ground. It was as if everything between one moment and the next had existed between one heartbeat and the next. With trepidation, he nevertheless had allowed his eyes to close once more.

For years, he didn’t know if the memory he kept tucked away was anything more than a half remembered dream. Every night he wondered if the time had come for another visit. The longing for knowledge, for truth, persisted. It wasn’t until he met Asmodeus that he was any closer to an answer, until the night he regaled the confounding tale to his father.

“My boy,” Asmodeus had begun in a tone of wonderment that, at the time, Magnus tucked away as a badge of honor, “you were visited by Death. Every living creature is destined to face Death in due time, but only the most powerful can question and cheat the beast.” His cat’s eyes had shone defiantly from beneath the shadows. “You see? You are my most beloved creation, the only true heir of my bloodline. Where you go, you will conquer all that you touch. Destruction will be your greatest asset—great destruction.”

From that day forth, he left behind the name his mother gave for him, instead evolving into something stronger and more powerful. Magnus Bane.

The second time he encountered Death, Magnus was saving a life.

A mundane child, no older than ten, had been attacked by a rogue demon and very nearly torn to pieces. She was clinging to life by nothing more than each breath she managed to coax from her broken body. He could feel the tremendous amount of agony that permeated every molecule of her constitution—it was a foregone conclusion that her spirit was nothing if not indomitable, and he was tremendously moved by it.

He had never saved a life before; he would be stained until the end of time by those that he had taken, but he had yet to equalize in penance. In truth, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of such a task when he knew just how deep the darkness within him ran. How could he be worthy of awarding life?

He had to try, he determined, not for himself but for the child.

And that was when he saw it—the shadow that hugged the child but did not belong to her. It moved independently, appearing to be enfolding her in a tender embrace. The hairs on his arms stood on end, and yet its presence left him unperturbed because it felt innately familiar.

And then words were whispered from within himself. _Do you understand now, Magnus Bane?_

“You are Death, and I’ve known you a long time.”

_You don’t fear me as you once did, back before you understood who you really are_ , Death cogitated. _But that pain I once felt in you…it hasn’t left you. You carry it just the same, even if it doesn’t guide your actions the way that it once did._

“Why do you want to take her?” Magnus asked instead, continuing his meticulously precise movements over her body. He could feel her heart beat continuing to slow, her breaths becoming increasingly far apart.

_She called to me, just as you did the night we met._

“I never called for you. I never asked to die.”

_Not in so many words, but I am not dependent on something as flawed as conscious thought. I am called by what resides deep within everyone, a pain so profound that it’s impossible to ignore. And I come when I am summoned._

With renewed determination, Magnus had poured more energy into the fragile body beneath his hands. She was slipping, and with each passing second, she seemed to become further enveloped within the cloak of Death. “I can save her; leave her be.”

_That choice doesn’t lie with you, child. You may choose for yourself, as you did so long ago, but I will not leave until I am turned away by the soul I’ve come to collect._

“Give her a fair chance,” he insisted, feeling the sudden thrum of her heart beat strengthening infinitesimally. “She will come back together. I just need time.”

_Then work. But if she doesn’t, you must promise me you will not stop me from doing what her soul requested of me._

Swallowing hard, Magnus nodded. “You have my word.”

It took hours and unquantifiable yet great amounts of magic willingly poured into the child, but when she took her first clear breath and her heart began to beat at a steady pace, there was no doubt in Magnus’ mind that it was worth everything he had given. He knew that this was what he was meant for; even with devastation so deeply rooted within him that it could never be completely extracted, he felt a sense of purpose he’d never felt before.

Death had left without her.

Applying what he’d learned, he moved forward with renewed hope. He didn’t have to be bad, or do bad things just because that was who he once had been. That didn’t have to define him. He had evolved through the centuries and learned from his mistakes; he made peace with the stains he could never remove from his soul.

He immersed himself in opportunities to help those that couldn’t help themselves. He knew what it was like to be left to fend for yourself, to learn right from wrong by knowing the deepest devastations as well as the greatest triumphs. He could use his mottled past to help others be saved from walking the same path and carrying the same burden.

The last time Magnus encountered Death, he lost his dear friend.

Ragnor had died in his arms, and there was nothing that Magnus could have given that would have saved him. Nevertheless, he felt hot anger rising within him, boiling in his blood. He couldn’t help the way his magic lashed out violently, a massive wave of unholy fire that billowed from his open palms and engulfed the entire cottage and everything in it.

As it all burned around him, between the heat waves emitted by the flames, the unmistakable shadow hovered.   _Why do you do this?_ it asked him. _I take only those who call for me, who ask for deliverance._

“He wouldn’t leave me,” Magnus argued defiantly, though his tone wavered in anguish. “Wouldn’t leave all of us who need him.”

_I am not the enemy, I am merely the one who comes in its wake to salvage what I can from the aftermath. Your friend, with all the love in his heart, had to leave you._

Magnus shook his head, angry tears stinging his eyes. “I need him. He’s practically the only family I have left in this world, in this life. He was the one who took me, exactly as I was even when all I knew how to do was take and ruin. He saw who I really am and helped me to become something better. Without him, what will I become?”

_You always have and always will be Magnus Bane. Even when you had yet to choose that name, that identity. I could see it the moment I came to your aid._ Death paused. _I will reap everyone in the end. Those who exist here have humanity within them, and to be human is to be finite by nature._

Looking down at the body in his arms, at the blank, cool eyes that stared up at him, Magnus felt a chill run through him, and the fire that encompassed them slowly began to die down. Everything around him that had been destroyed slowly returned to its former self, like a film played backwards.

“Take me instead,” Magnus said defiantly. “This is my fault, and what happened to him is on my hands. That demon never would have come for him if I hadn’t brought the shadowhunters here. He trusted me and I failed him.”

_Your pain is great, but I am not here for you. You do not call to me, and you know the rules._

“I don’t care!” Magnus said, raising his voice. “He would never have been so foolish, and it shouldn’t be his punishment to bear. I did this, so let me atone.”

_This is not the way. Not when you are asking for my involvement. It’s not your time._

When he looked back up, the shadow was gone, and he knew that Ragnor’s soul had followed. What Magnus held in his hands was now nothing but a shell, and yet he couldn’t bear the thought of letting it go.

It took centuries for Magnus to build a foundation of family and home. It was still small, and splintered in some places, but it was intact. And it was his. Ragnor. Catarina. Raphael. The downworlders he cared for as if they were children of his own. But Ragnor was the first to want to be part of Magnus like that; he was Magnus’ foundation, his rock. He could see him as he was, no matter how hard he tried to hide, and he understood in particular that which Magnus didn’t say. Ragnor knew about Magnus’ history, of the horrors he had committed as a child, and yet he was able to treat him with kindness and forgiveness.

He moved forward, after mourning his great loss and along the way met a great love. Alexander. An extraordinary man. And he learned that where his heart lay, so did everything he had to give—including his immortality, his identity.

He wished now that Death would come for him again. This time, he was ready to say yes, for he was so tired. Tired down to his bones, that had already begun to ache with the weight of his many lifetimes.

Feeling like a stranger in his own body, being called his own name was excruciating, and each day he put on his mask that kept everyone at bay. He had meticulously built a wall around himself, and he couldn’t afford for someone to begin scratching at it, for fear of what could come spilling out.

Alec was his anchor, the only thing that kept him from disappearing entirely. He felt like he was unraveling, each day another tug on a loose string, and Alec was the knot that preserved him.

And yet his pain was still tremendous. He hadn’t quite understood what Death had meant in saying that the soul cried out to him for salvation until he experienced this raw and festering wound inside of him that filled him with decay.

It was two in the morning, and Magnus was lying awake in bed staring at the wall. The shadows cast upon it depicted the rivulets of raindrops that were sliding down the panes and the downpour happening behind it. He watched the trails of rain race down and disappear at the bottom with aching eyes.

With a tired sigh, he flung the covers off of himself and stood up. There was no use in pretending he could sleep tonight. After pressing a tender kiss to Alec’s temple, Magnus silently crept out of the bedroom to the kitchen.

He wanted a mug of tea, but heating the kettle would surely wake Alec. Coffee, he decided, was best. After brewing a carafe of strong black coffee, he poured a generous amount into a clean mug and went into the living room, settling into the chair in the corner by the window.

_Magnus Bane._

Raising his eyes from the swirling darkness of the contents of his mug, Magnus saw the thick, void-like darkness creeping along his carpet. The chasm it fronted was appealing for the first time. “You heard me.”

_I did. And now that I am here, I can understand why. Your pain is tremendous—it is devouring you from the inside out. To have lost what you have, I need not ask why you felt compelled to call out for me._

Running his thumb around the rim of the hot ceramic of his mug, Magnus hesitated a moment. “I’m ready to join you. Please.”

Death made no move. _If it were that simple, I would obligingly welcome you into my arms. But you are not ready. For even though you are suffering most unbearably, there is something in you that has never been before. There is something that is holding you back, despite what you tell yourself._

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Magnus said, but that wasn’t the truth. He knew what it was. Or rather, who.

_Love is the one thing strong enough to truly rival me. You haven’t had it before—not this way. It gives you a purpose, a hope that can’t be destroyed. And as such, I cannot take you._

“Then why are you here?”

_You and I have played this game before, and because of that, I wanted to extend to you an offer. If you truly wish for me to take you, to tear you away from this pain and sorrow, I will accommodate you._

Magnus’ finger paused it’s rotation around on his mug. “Why would you do that?”

_Because I am Death, and I am an inevitability for all living creatures. I will collect you, Magnus, whether it be today or centuries from._

Standing up and putting his hands in the pockets of his robe, Magnus pursed his lips thoughtfully.

He didn’t have to carry this weight any longer, didn’t have to pretend that he wasn’t coming apart at the seams. To be enveloped in the peace of oblivion was the greatest lure he had ever faced. No, he thought as soon as the thought had come up, he knew that wasn’t true. Alexander, his love lying peacefully in the other room—he was the greatest. Nothing in all his life could compare.

He knew what his answer had to be.

“I can’t go with you,” Magnus whispered, thumb and index finger rubbing together at his side. “It’s not my time.”

_As you wish._

Suddenly, something inside of Magnus crumbled to pieces, and he felt a tear slide down the contour of his nose. Wrapping his arms around his middle to try to hold himself together, he walked in a daze towards the bedroom and shouldered the door open. Alec was just where he’d left him, with his back to him and his breathing steady and slow.

Magnus longed to be held by his love, to feel safe. Crawling onto the mattress, he put his hand on the round of Alec’s shoulder. “Alec. Alexander.”

Turning slightly, Alec hummed. “What’s wrong babe?” As soon as he opened his eyes, his expression became drawn with concern and he sat bolt upright. “Magnus. What’s going on?”

“I’m not okay, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “I’m not. I’ve been…telling everyone that I am because I’ve been afraid of what I might feel if I were honest with myself about how wrong I feel inside.”

Without hesitation, Alec’s warm arms encircled him; one hand rested on the small of Magnus’ back, palm splayed, and the other hand cradled the back of Magnus’ head tenderly. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus replied honestly, “but I think this is a good start.”

“I can hold you all night if that’s what you need.” Alec spoke softly, his voice fragile.

With the beats of their hearts intertwined, Magnus knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was worth living for.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


End file.
